when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
