Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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