Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
