I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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