The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
