So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
