he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
