...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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