i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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