Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
