guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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