remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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