tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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