you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
