First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I party with great urgency now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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