you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
