Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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