I think my vagina is haunted
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
