First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
