My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
if i died would you start the facebook group?
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
