I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
