I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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