Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
3pm strippers are depressing
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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