If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Randomize
