My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
