walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize