It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Randomize
