at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
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