I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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