I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
im drinking this country out of the recession.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
