when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
