I'm gonna have a badass scar
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
