Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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