Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize