she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
