life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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