lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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