The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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