My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
