I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
