Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
