have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I think I sprained my soul last night
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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