it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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