Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
