tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
