I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
