Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
