Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
