we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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