Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
