Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
