Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
