i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
