I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
there's paper in my vomit.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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