You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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