Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
too bad you live with your parents still
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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