sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
