there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
