my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My pussy is not your playground.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
