Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
