I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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