I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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