Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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